eating disorders and doctor's offices

CW: eating disorder, self harm

     I just had my first visit with a primary care physician in over a year and a half. I was generally happy with it, though I had been stressed given the horror stories of how badly I know doctor visits can go. I just needed to establish myself with a new primary care physician, and also ask about getting back on anxiety medication that I only went off of because of health insurance changes. I had to be measured and weighed, I guess, because you always have to do that for whatever reason. I was impressed that the nurse asked me if I wanted to know what I weighed, so I could say that I don't need to know what I weigh. Maybe, just to advocate for myself, I should have said specifically that I need to *not* know what I weigh, but I didn't say that, because, even though I know my boundaries, I have a hard time expressing them given how society has told me for my whole life that my boundaries around my eating disorder are invalid. For anyone reading this who needs to hear it, your boundaries are valid. Whether or not you have an eating disorder, if you need to tell people around you to not talk about something, or not tell you something about your body, or anything like that, that is valid. I know, it's easier said than done; I clearly struggle to tell doctors that I actively need to not be told how much I weigh, and I struggle to tell friends or co-workers to not talk to me about their weight loss journeys.

    While I appreciate that I didn't get told my weight in today's appointment, I am having a big issue with the fact that when I logged into MyChart after my appointment to check my visit notes, I saw my weight (and BMI) front and center on the landing page (fortunately in kg which I'm not as familiar with as pounds and am trying to not think about too hard so that I can't figure out how much I weigh in units that are standard for me). It's sending me into a cycle of intrusive thoughts that I cannot seem to break right now and impeding my work and making me feel uncomfortable in my body.

    This is just a general complaint and critique of healthcare systems that should have more built-in accessibility and care for folks with eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I appreciate nurses, doctors, and staff that are accessible and caring, but I also need systems and internet accounts to be accessible.

    Furthermore, I'm really just writing this blog as an attempt to break my current cycle of intrusive thoughts, get the thoughts out on a page, address them, and try to move past them. I need to remind myself that my body is generally working for me, I am grateful to it for being the body I live in, I'm generally satisfied with the way I look, my partner likes my body which is not necessary validation but it is nice, and I want to take care of myself and love my body so I am not going to self harm by restricting my diet. Also, I am worthy of taking up space in the world.

    I think it's helping to write this blog. I hope this empowers and supports anyone who comes across this to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and of taking up space in the world. Please take care of yourself and give your body what it needs. It's especially hard for me to have an eating disorder as we approach the holidays. Hold yourself with care these coming weeks, and allow yourself to set the boundaries you need around family, friends, social media, etc. I will be doing my best to do the same.